In fact, you are so ugly, that your spouse is going to vacation without you. In fact, he’ll probably run off with the cute girl who makes the cocktails. And they will live on the island forever, breeding perfect, gorgeous children and acting as spokespersons for some incredible charity. And you know why? BECAUSE YOU ARE UGLY.
Laura writes:
It starts off telling you how to figure out what to order, and not to grab a table before you order. But then you get to the last little mini-paragraph on the sign at Noodles & Co., and you see the attached.
Is it bad that I’m tempted to take a Sharpie and add a comma and a semi-colon? There are actually 2 signs in the restaurant, more or less identical. (And no, this isn’t actually hand-written. They’re mass-produced, and there’s at least one in every location.)
No, Laura, it’s not bad. It’s natural. Give in to your urges. Carry a red pen!
Rather than doing a screencap, I will quote the text of the Emperors Club website, so much in the news of late.
Emperors’ Club vip is the most preferred international social introduction service for those accustomed to excellence. Introducing the most impressive models to leading gentleman of the world is our expertise. We specialize in introductions of: fashion models, pageant winners and exquisite students, graduates and women of successful careers (finance, art, media etc…) to gentlemen of exceptional standards. When seeking an evening date, a weekend travel companion, or a friend to accompany you during your next business / social function our models are perfect preference.
We act for a select group of educated, refined and successful international clients who give their best in all they do and who, in return, only wish to receive the best. Catering to clients who will not compromise in any area of their life. We provide our customers and associates with full discretion, confidentiality and guarantee the most exclusive and discreet social introduction services. Our presentation and photos of each model are recent and accurate. The poses intentionally conceal their faces, as each model companion is either a University Student or, more commonly, a career professional. This guarantees privacy, public comfort and discretion for both our clients and models when dating.
Our meticulous standards of beauty, intelligence and charm ensure that you always encounter the quality you’ve come to expect in a woman, when with an Emperors’ Club vip model. Each of our companions is a product of an exceptionally fine background and a success in her right. All rendezvous are individually crafted to suit the needs of your specific occasion. Note that each model has place in her schedule for a select number of appointments per month, so your date will be a special one for both of you.
Our goal is to make life more peaceful, balanced, beautiful and meaningful. We honor commitment to our clients as we covet long-term relationships of trust and mutual benefit. Experience for yourself a service of obvious distinction…
So, yeah. Firstly, I am annoyed by the fact that the title of the page is “Emperors Club” and every subsequent reference uses an apostrophe. Then there are a couple sentence fragments, a terrible neglect of the “Oxford comma,” some singulars where there should be plurals… and that’s before we go anywhere near the curious diction of “exquisite students” and how they’re each successful “in her right.”
Let this be a lesson to us all. When soliciting extremely high-priced call girls, RED PEN first!
The worst part about this one is that it isn’t a typo. If you happen to visit a Burlington Coat Factory near you, you’ll notice signs all over the place for “mens” and “womens” this and that. It is a sad, sad world.
Yes, really, the office of the Secretary of State of the state of Texas features this on the website.
Ben found this one. It either speaks to you or it doesn’t.
Okay, I know this is intended to sound informal and approachable. But what it actually is, is sick and wrong.
Real sick and wrong, as it were.
Okay, I’m obsessed with MARTA. And this wasn’t even a subway error! This is the third time the cafeteria at my workplace has served this mysterious dish. Sorry for the quality; I photographed sneakily!
I know I’m tired on the way home, but I don’t think my fatigue was completely responsible for my finding this ad deeply creepy yesterday. Brought to you by the same people who declare that “its a wrap,” this ad implies a promise of Growth. In fact, it claims that the lovely producers have experienced (or produced?) 60 years of Growth. Are they threatening to increase exponentially in size like the Blob and take over the world, creating a punctuation-free, randomly-capitalizing world regime? Can they be stopped?
Those of you who live in Georgia and watch local news (which probably isn’t many of you) will be aware that Clayton County schools have pretty much lost their accreditation in the last week. Governor Perdue is investigating his legal options. In response, Board of Education Chair Ericka Davis released a statement including this paragraph:
“While our SACS report indicates that not all of our board members failed to comply with school board policy and SACS standards, the reality is that with any board, the actions of some affect the public trust of the entire board. No governmental entity can effectively and successfully operate without the support of its citizens. Once public trust is comprised and children become the casualty, the best and only answer is to start anew.”
Yes, this could be a typo — and spellcheck isn’t going to catch the difference between “comprised” and “compromised.” But honestly… your *** is in the fire for running your school district so supremely badly that it loses accreditation… if there’s a more important time to proofread, I don’t know what it is.
Sigh.